020.

private || unhackable:

I can't feel anything anymore. Literally. It's not just metaphorical or emotional. It's completely physical. At first I thought it was just post-traumatic stress or something, but now I know for sure. I can't feel anything. It's almost like... every time I get hurt it's through a thick layer of foam. Yesterday, while everyone else was riding raptors, I had the brilliant idea of letting one of them chew on me, and I didn't feel anything. No pain, no ache. It was like nothing had even happened. I know that's a condition of my ability, that I can get hurt and grow things back, but I've always relied on feeling it. I've never faked being hurt: it's always has hurt. I feel everything. That's how I know that I'm still alive.

But now there's nothing. I cut myself and nothing happens. A bone pops out of my skin and I don't even notice until I see it in the mirror. More than just feeling like I know I'm alive, I'm afraid this might make me careless. What if something happens and I end up walking around with a metal rod sticking out of my back? What if I get cut and heal in front of someone who doesn't know about me and I don't realize it?

I don't want to be a freak. I don't want people to think of me as a freak. I want to be who I am and do what I can do without having to worry about people dying or their lives being ruined or getting turned into some kind of experiment. And if I can't feel it when I get hurt, what does that spell for other people? What does that say for me? Am I still alive? If you can't feel anything, do you still have a soul?

Mohinder might have the answer. Hiro might. Eden might. Peter might. Sylar might. In the end, we're all monsters, aren't we? And Hiro has a point.

With Peter here, I should feel safe again. I should know that I'm safe. But I just feel naked.

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private to Jamie | unhackable:

So it's come to my attention that in these kinds of situations, the best solution is to just... not talk about it. So let's just... not talk about it. Ever. Consider this you and I not talking about it because otherwise I might spontaneously combust and I don't think anyone wants to clean up that mess.
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Since I came back from being home, I realized that I haven't been keeping up with my lists. I know I said - or at least I remember saying at some point - that I was planning on going until I reached 100. It's still a pretty far away number, and after socializing with dinosaurs for a day, I'm not really sure how much you can say that isn't a quote from Jurassic Park. Considering that I know nothing about Chaos Theory, I'm just going to have to fall back on what I do know, and that's numbers.

71. I tried something new. It's been a long time since I baked anything so... they kind of look like poop sandwiches, if you ask me, but Hiro and I are working on making cupcakes with paper cranes on them, so maybe I'll have something more appealing next time.
72. I've noticed that more and more people have been leaving, so I just want to extend some kind of apology to all the people who lost someone they were close to because of the circumstances. Everyone always says that it's better for people to be at home where they belong, but that doesn't change the fact that you'll miss them here. Especially if they aren't from your own world. My advice? Comfort food.
73. Do I have to start handing out library cards again? Because I swear there are more people here who don't know what a library is than there are people who don't know how to work a washing machine.
74. There's a kid here named ARTHUR. We need to talk~!
75. I'm not sorry about the pony.
76. PETER IS BACK! I call celebratory party purposes and... I don't know. I'm happy to see him again. That being said, HELLO to everyone around here who's new. Watch where you step and stay out of the lake.

I think that's it. Other than mentioning that I have a new job that isn't working in a potions shop. Consider me the Elle Woods of investigation.